The moment I opened the door and saw him standing there, saying something, reality became crystal clear and painful. The failure of, yet, another relationship struck my heart with the force of a typhoon.
This man that stood before me felt intimately familiar, yet I didn’t recognize him as someone I knew before a few days ago. Every time I saw him, hazy dreams of childhood would flash through my mind.
I was heartbroken. Relationship #3 was the first person I had feelings for and he was gone. How could I not be heartbroken? I was confused, as well.
A memory of a boy standing before me with arms outstretched inviting me into his embrace.
A memory of a boy’s arms wrapped around me while I lay on my side on the couch I slept on. A feeling of complete safety.
A memory of a boy sitting in front of me on my couch trying to say something, but no sound made it to my ears.
The man before me had very little resemblance to the boy of these hazy dream memories. Why would these weird things come to mind every time I thought about this strange man?
Another confusing thing about this man was the affect he had on my body. A single thought of this man and my body was ready to have sex. I don’t mean it was willing, or wanted, to have sex. I mean I was ready to have sex, complete with the physical reaction and moisture needed.
I’ve never heard of any girl having this kind of reaction to the thought of a man they have never touched, dated, or talked with.
That was just him stopping by to get a number to call before he came over. There was no flirting or, even, conversation. He just didn’t feel right coming over without calling first.
After he left, I sat and thought about all the events I had experienced in the last year.
I’ve heard many times that everything a person experiences is preparing them for something in the future.
Could I have been preparing for my life partner? Is this why I suddenly felt emotions? Is this why I felt like I was directed to this state, county, town, and apartment.
I looked up my horoscope and, as well as I could interpret the readings, they backed up my thoughts.
A few hours later, he called and asked if he could come over. My mind said no. My head shook. My mouth said, “Sure. When?”
May 31st we began spending time together, this strange man and me. Early August it was over. It was a whirlwind of emotions and new experiences. Let me see if I can sort it all out for you.
The presence of this man, along with all the emotions and faded memories of childhood dreams, made the heartbreak bearable. They seemed to make it softer, easier somehow.
Not one single red flag was thrown. The core personality came out and communicated with him several times. Somehow, he got the core personality to start the process of assimilating some of the personalities.
We had long conversations about playing the guitar and keyboard, writing blog posts and novels. We talked about each of our dreams and goals. We talked about how we were going to get from where we are to where we wanna be. We talked about our beliefs and theories.
In this way, he was gaining my trust. I had never felt so cared about in my whole life. I pinched myself many times to see if I was dreaming. Then, my back went out and my already reduced activity level was cut by three quarters.
Only being able to do a quarter of my normal activities put me on hypersensitivity because of all the criticism and judgements I received my whole life.
Comments I found playful and cute before my back went out were taken as insults and cut downs.
After several days, I finally managed to get back to my normal activities. I was so excited, I was making plans to surprise him with a special dinner.
Before I could do it, I told him to listen to a song.
He thought I was trying to tell him something through the song. Another part of this is that he misunderstood the song.
The song was “Lowlife” by That Poppy. The chorus says, “You are the highlight of my lowlife”. He thought it said, “You are the cause of my lowlife”.
A few minutes later, tension eminated from him. They were thick, heavy waves of hurt.
I was confused.
He suddenly moved away from me, then turned and said, “Is this how you feel?”
I nodded, “I’m starting to, yeah.”
With that, he walked out the door without a word.
A couple of days later, I notice that he began following my blog, started following my Facebook page, and sent a friend request on Facebook.
A few more days and I decide I need to make arrangements to get my stuff out of his storage. I message him on messenger.
I got the coffee going and tried to prepare for his visit. I hoped I was strong enough to withstand the emotional hell storm I was expecting.
When he arrived my heart pounded in my chest, making me dizzy. Memories flooded my mind, causing reality to slip in and out.
I, barely, kept up with the chatting about inconsequential things.
Then, my mind cleared and I said, “Why the fuck did you leave?”
“I don’t want to be the cause of your lowlife.” He said
“What? Where did you get that idea?” I said.
“That song said ‘You are the cause of my lowlife.’.” He said.
I scrunched my face into a confused and frustrated look then said, “No, it doesn’t. It says you are the highlight of my lowlife.”
Then, I found the song on my phone and played it for him.
His eyes lit up when he heard the lyrics without the muffling of earbuds.
“I’m sorry. I was an idiot.” He said.
We talked about him not talking with me about it. Then, we got back together.
From that moment on, he was constantly making comments and requests for me to change. Plus,, he would leave and not tell me anything. Sometimes, I didn’t even know he was gone until I went to look for him and he wasn’t here.
I, obviously, didn’t respond well.
He left without telling me anything other than he would be back soon. I went for a walk to figure out how to talk to him about it.
When I got home, most of his things were gone. The only communication I got was a note on the bed.
I tried to call him a week later about getting my stuff out of his storage, but he blocked my calls. So, I sent a nasty text to his mother.
I’m not proud of my behavior, but I don’t feel I had any choice, either.
I’m still processing this relationship, so I don’t have any lessons learned, yet.
I’m sorry this post was so long. Please, leave any thoughts and suggestions below! I love hearing from you!
Until next time…