Alone most of the time and without utilities, I did what I could to survive. I walked up and down the road collecting cans and other metal to sell. Sometimes, I found things like phones or tools that I could sell.
I had been out of the rehab for a couple of years (could it have been just a couple of months?), or so it felt. Time has always eluded me. A year ago and a month ago feel the same to me. Memories are unreliable as not all of us share them all.
My Number One Regret
A few days after leaving rehab, I had started using. Why I started using is beyond my comprehension. Was it to stop the loneliness? Was it to stop the hunger pangs? Was it to fit in with the people around me? Was it to quiet the cacaphony of voices in my head? Was it to speed myself up to the expectation of the people in my head? Was it to distract myself from the situation I was in or voices in my head or people in my head?
A couple of years go by. I don’t date, hook up, or have any interest in romance or sex. None of us do. We socialize and that’s it.
One day, l decide to begin dating. The first person I agree to see becomes relationship #2. He is true to his reputation and abuses me. I return to him time after time. For some reason, I just can’t refuse him.
Finally, I get an apartment in town and refuse to go to his place. Six months later, I’m free of him.
There’s a lot of things that contribute to me returning time and time again.
I’m addicted to him. I’m addicted to meth. I’m addicted to cigarettes. I’m addicted to the lifestyle. I’m addicted to chocolate. I’m addicted to mountain lightening soda.
These addictions beat me into submission before and more thorough than he ever could.
What I learned:
- I am only a victim the first time abuse happens. After that, I’m a volunteer.
- If I blame the abuser without looking at my part, I will continue to experience the same abuse.
- Only what i tolerate will continue.
- When I stopped going back, he stopped abusing me.
Until next time…