(November 29, 2017)
Well, it happened. For the last four days I have been defending myself against his delusions.
He doesn’t trust me or phones and I’m constantly on my phone so I can write my stories, blog posts, and do the marketing to sell books when I publish.
He believes I’m “talking to other men”.
I told him he was all the headache I needed. He didn’t see any humor in it at all.
For the last four days I have been defending myself against his delusions.
I am soul tired. I left. It’s not the first time in the last four days, but this time I took a different route.
I left. It’s not the first time in the last four days, but this time I took a different route.
I am pretty sure he knows I’m gone. I am equally sure he has walked down the road I normally take. Maybe he has even gone back to his place and pretended to hang himself again. Or maybe he was successful in hanging himself. I don’t know, but he told me to cut my throat, so I guess he is done with me.
I am about three miles outside of town. Me and the three dogs are resting in the shade. We have walked a long way already. We were about ten miles outside of town. On an old road. Right next to the railroad tracks. I don’t know how long its taken us to get this far, but I know our feet hurt.
I don’t have phone service because I cut my SIM card to prove I wasn’t texting a boyfriend. I don’t know why so many people think I have an extra boyfriend.
It’s a warm day. My long walk has made me sweat and my shirt is sticking to my skin.
Augh. The drying sweat is attracting dust which feels like tiny bugs. That’s the most uncomfortable feeling. It’s difficult to convince my mind that I am not covered in tiny insects.
Every now and then, I can’t help but swipe at the “bugs”.
My mind wanders back to the night he barbequed in the rain for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t like barbeque.
He was so excited about me tasting his barbeque.
My heart stuttered in my chest and the familiar ache of something missing settled in. It’s not a true heartbroken feeling. I didn’t miss him in particular, I missed the routine, the familiarity of the situation.
I looked around my unfamiliar surroundings and thought about the wildlife that lived in the seemingly empty space of the outdoors.
(That was the last time I felt anything close to comfortable outside. Some times, I can’t face opening the door to get the mail out of the box on the porch.)
Anxiety rose up from the butterflies in my stomach mutating and thickening as it neared my throat.
Somehow, I managed to keep from choking on the fear taking up residence in my throat.
Every movement of the tall grasses or branches of the trees would make me jump.
It was quite a while before I could get back onto my feet and heading into town.
This trip into town to escape handyman was very close to me getting the apartment I currently live in. I moved into my apartment on January 1st.
My on/off relationship with handyman wasn’t over until around August of 2018.
Fear is still my constant companion along with my emotional support dog.
I’m not sure if this is the way for you, but I experience my memories as small segments. Just short periods of time that may or may not be related to the next memory that comes to mind.
Why did I write this post? I’m not sure. I think I needed to share with you that my life has improved, just not as much as I wanted it to. LoL
I was (and still do) want to be through this experience and move into a more stable and content experience.
I guess I haven’t learned the lessons that are required for me to move on to the next lesson.
Let me know what you think in the comments below.
Until next time…