How can you communicate with someone you can’t trust?
If someone lies to you, can you ever trust them again?
If someone repetitively lies to you, can you ever trust them?
How do you know?
These questions swirl through my mind as I grapple with defining love.
I’m not perfect. I am as honest as I can be in all things. This, I’m told, makes me “real”.
I, often, hear things like, “I’ve never known someone as real as you.”
People love how honest I am, until they want me to be dishonest for them.
I can’t do this.
Not out of some moral or ethic code. Not out of piety.
The reason I can’t allow myself to be dishonest is fundamental. It’s really quite simple.
If I’m dishonest, I won’t know reality.
You see, I have difficulty when it comes to reality. I see and hear things others don’t. I see and hear things I’ve been told are mythical. Things people say are fantasy are part of my every day life.
No. I don’t mean my writing. Well, I kinda do, actually.
Let me try to explain.
I see and hear things others don’t, and sometimes, I write what I see and hear.
I know it sounds a lot like other writers who say their characters talk to them.
That’s not what I’m talking about.
I have seen a dragon land on the main street of a small town. I nearly crashed my vehicle trying to avoid hitting the landing dragon. Of course, no one else saw the landing dragon. It wasn’t real. Though, to me, it was as real as the vehicle I was driving.
This was the third thing we worked on in therapy.
The first one, for obvious reasons, was my suicidal tendencies. The second one was my severe depression.
Do you see how each one kinda leads into the next one? Well, stay tuned, as they say, cause there’s more to come.
The suicidal tendencies and the severe depression were somewhat explained when I went to the therapist and began babbling about non-existent creatures interfering with my daily activities.
At this point, I didn’t know that other people didn’t see or hear them.
I thought the people in my life were just pulling my leg when they didn’t interact with them. I thought it was part of some universal joke everyone was pulling on me. (Here is where paranoia comes in)
I thought everyone was messing with me.
Can you see the arrogance of my beliefs? How important I must have been for everyone I came into contact with to think about me and want to mess with me. I’m ashamed of such thoughts these days, but that’s what I truly thought.
So, back to the original thoughts, can you communicate with someone who repetitively lies to you?
Yes. Can you trust them? We will see.
The man I am with (and believe I love) has been everything but honest with me from the start.
To be honest, the only thing I truly know about him is that he’s a good liar and that he keeps coming back, even when I give him no reason to.
Is he a narcissist? Maybe.
Is he using me? Most definitely.
Does he care about me at all? I hope so.
Is there any kind of future with him? I have no idea.
At one time, I thought I had it figured out. Then, something happened that changed my mind.
I will write about that next.
So, now you know a little more about me than you ever wanted to.
If you are interested in returning, I will be continuing to sort out my life.
Though, I must warn you, I am not a professional anything. I don’t have any answers for anyone. I only have how I have interpreted my experiences.
Until next time…